Sunday, August 15, 2010

well folks,

considering it has been over a year since i've posted on here, it seems i have made a liar out of myself. In my previous post, i swore i would never neglect my blog in such a way ever again, but it seems as though i did. However, my desire to write has since been rekindled, so i suppose i shall try this again. An indescribable amount has changed in the past seventeen months.

in a previous post, i made an incomplete set of the goals i had for myself, and listed things i wanted to experience over my lifetime. i believe the time has come to edit and revisit said goals.

shall we begin?

numbers one and two of my list, learn french and spanish, can be removed. not because i deem them unworthy, but rather because i have taken up an interest in german, and am applying myself rather devotedly to becoming fluent. number three, "travel. everywhere," is still very much a priority of mine. i believe there is so much more to this world than just the United States of America, and that learning of cultures other than our own is not only the noble thing to do, but the right one. number four, "write at least one book of poetry" has fallen by the wayside, not because i have quit admiring and being inspired by things, but because i find poetry hard to write unless i am emotionally distraught, which makes producing poetry far more difficult than one would assume. as for number five, my roommate, rachel, and i are running a half-marathon in february, so we shall see how that goes. number six-skydiving-was an incredible experience. my parents purchased me a ticket as a nineteenth birthday present, but i did not get to actually go until six months later. mmm, number seven, how i want so badly to make you come true. discovering something scientific, or even being there when someone else does, would be such an exciting feat. number eight seems to pale in comparison, but i believe music and art culture is still of the utmost importance. number nine, to inspire someone, is perhaps one of my favorite subjects on the list. to inspire is to create in someone an inconsolable desire. i want that. number ten, to make a difference in someone's life, is something i try to do every single day. well, i suppose we do it whether we realize it or not, it is just up to us whether the difference we make is positive or negative. i want to make mine a positive one. oh my, number eleven, how elusive you are. never letting myself forget how blessed i am has been harder and lovelier than one could possibly imagine. despite all the wonderful opportunities, people, and experiences i have been blessed with, i still struggle to find peace in myself. i suppose that is why my list of goals is not something i just come to, but rather something to work towards. hopefully, at the end of my life, i can say i've spent my time in a way i'm proud of, but i guess that's something i will have to decide when the time comes.

perhaps, since it's been quite some time, i should take a second to write about what i have been going through, and what i've learned from those experiences.

in the past year and a half, i have:

-had my heart broken, and broken someone elses heart simultaneously.
-let myself make mistakes that have ricocheyd in such a way that i felt i would never heal from them.
-fallen into a quicksand of depression so deep at times i was not sure if i could pull through.
-learned that there is so much to live for, such as family, friends, and love. it is love-the love of friends, family, God-that gives me hope.
-wondered what it would be like to quit trying to be the shelby that everyone wants me to be, and to be true to myself. to not let other people's expectations dictate my life.
-fought tooth and nail to make that dream a reality, and slowly but surely, i believe i can see the transformation. it's a beautiful thing.
-given up on love, only to realize that for me that is an impossibility. what a beautiful realization.

life, i've come to realize, is far grander than i ever could have imagined. i feel as though i've come such a long way, and experienced such incredible things, only to see that my journey has only just begun. to think that the feelings i've felt this past year-the highs, the lows-are maybe not as extreme as they seem at the time, is an interesting thought. why is it that only when we are in the throws of an argument with a close friend, or when we realize that someone we love has changed, are we ridden with mind-blowing emotion? why can't seeing a shooting star fill us with the same wonder that we feel when we meet someone new? perhaps in self-preservation we have sealed off the part of our heart that allows merriment and sadness and everything in between, and we open it only when we feel safe. what if we threw off our inhibitions just one time? can you imagine the difference it would make? sure, you put yourself at risk, but at the sake of something far bigger than you've ever experienced. i don't know about you-because surely it's not for everyone-but i believe it is worth it.

No comments: